Would you like to meet, the Christopher Cantwell?
Of course you would.
Whether you realize this or not right now, I am quite certain that you would like it. So, let’s talk about that a bit. Shall we?
In the end (spoiler alert), I’ll suggest you send me an email and maybe some money just to get my attention. It’s pretty straightforward, and I’m flexible. I am notoriously approachable once my security concerns are put at ease and I know I’m not wasting my time. What follows between here and the contact form is largely for our mutual entertainment, but it is carefully designed to convey important information.
You should presume that I consider my time more valuable than yours. So, if you’ve not read this when we speak, then this will impact my value judgements about meeting you.
All people of good character, and more than a few of, one might say, vigorously debated repute, benefit from their knowing me. It is a sad thing indeed that so many are deprived the benefits of my presence…
Because of this, you may find it beneficial to know, that I am not so difficult to get hold of. Not only would I absolutely love to talk to you on the phone three days a week (during my shows, of course, M/W/F 9:30pm US Eastern at 217-688-1433), but I am just humble enough to let well screened individuals buy me a meal in a public place.
Want me to be a speaker at your next event? I’ve seen crazier ideas pitched on the floors of legislative bodies, that’s for sure.
Single woman looking to tame me? You’d not be the first, but I’d consider us both fortunate if you were the last.
There are a few rare but noteworthy exceptions to those who would benefit of meeting me. So, at the risk of being unpleasant, let us get those out of the way up front.
Chiefly among these, are those who mean me harm. Be such harmful designs of a legal, physical, or emotional character, although it would put you in some popular and well heeled company, I would soundly counsel against even considering something so foolish. Making an enemy of me, you should view as a very poor, and potentially very long term, investment. One that is very likely to result in your total destruction, and potentially those around you.
I have been known to litigate, with and without the benefit of an attorney.
For those with shorter attention spans, it may warrant mention that although the United States government has deprived me of my right to lawfully carry a firearm, there are those who say that I have the capacity to be very dangerous to those who threaten the things I care about. My gorgeous body, which I devote much effort to developing, not least of all.
I am keenly aware of the dangers I face in meeting strangers. So, you should justly expect to be questioned about your motives.
Depending upon a number of factors, there is a non zero chance our encounter will be observed by law enforcement. That will be a decision I will make with all intent, though your feelings will be given due consideration.
If you will consent to me recording (required by law in the State of New Hampshire, wherein I reside), this will go a long way in putting my mind at ease, but it is by no means a universal requirement. You, it might go without saying, will need to obtain my permission to do so. You would require still further permission, to publish such a recording, and there may be fees involved in this, depending upon negotiable circumstances.
If your interest in meeting me in any way pertains to your profession, you are obligated to inform me of this.
I have been known to correspond with a prisoner or two, and I do fancy myself among the most intriguing of pen pals. But I am, at time of writing, on Federal Probation. Though this an increasingly temporary burden, if I know you to be a convicted felon, I may be required by law to report our encounter to my probation officer. He is a rather nice fellow, and has better things to do with his time than trouble decent people. I, of course, have no obligation to report that which I know nothing of. But you do have the obligation to answer interview questions honestly. This may, depending upon the circumstances, be one of those questions.
At my own discretion, I may also ask questions about psychiatric history, divorce, marital status, income, current or prior emotional trauma, or anything else I deem pertinent to my security concerns. There is a non-zero chance you will be asked to put such things in writing, and to verify the authenticity of such writing with a government ID.
Though again, this is by no means universal.
Though not a requirement to meet me, you may be interested to know that I have a standard non-disclosure agreement more than a few folks have signed. To be so bound, I’d need to see a government ID.
If you want to tell me about illegal activities you are involved in, I won’t necessarily discourage this. But you should expect that I’ll promptly report this to law enforcement on the assumption that you’ll be receiving that report yourself. I find such things amusing, and on the off chance I’m wrong about this, I figure any criminal dumb enough to brag about his crimes to me is exactly the sort of criminal we build prisons to house.
I am no snob. Even lower than prisoners are often presumed to be, creatures of such low character as to accept employment from the Southern Poverty Law Center have found me quite willing to stoop to meeting them. I’ve been known to consider whether your murder conviction was or was not justified, or why you would not be embarrassed to have a byline at the Huffington Post, but it would certainly be in your interests to avoid me if you have intentionally or recklessly harmed children, and my defensiveness of women is quite primal.
Many have accused me of racism. I stopped thanking them some years ago, as it became exhausting and repetitive. If that’s a problem for you, there’s always suicide, but do not presume I’ll not speak to you just because I was fortunate to be born to better parents than yours.
Unlike many of my associates, I rather enjoy the company of serious law enforcement professionals. This of course, so long as they do not ask questions that cause me to be suspicious of their motives.If you think I’d go to the expense of hiring an attorney just so you could obtain information from me, well, you should probably stick to doing buy busts with drug addicts.
Have you served our country in battle? I just might insist on picking up the tab.
I do adore women. Though I might demand to speak to your husband about this if you have one.
If you don’t… Well… Who knows? I am single and, quite sadly, childless, at time of writing. Were you to cure me of this otherwise terminal ailment, I’d worship you until long after both of us were dead.
If circumstances are such that this would be impossible with you, I’d caution against tempting me with sex. My attitudes about this are, depending on the hour of the day, rather conservative, but I am, despite tremendous breakthroughs in medical science, a man. And a mortal one at that, contrary to some perceptions. This being the case, I’d rather not cope with the guilt of leaving you for another woman someday to achieve my decidedly ambitious goals. But I will cope with that guilt should circumstances necessitate.
Are you a reporter? I once made this chick’s career, you might have heard. The balls on this broad to accept an Emmy Award without admitting her work was total fiction… Well, I guess this is why we have acting awards in the first place… I’ll hear your plea, but assume that I assume you’re a malcontent and a creep, because you likely know better than I that this assumption is unlikely to fail me.
For the sake of their reputations, I’d not dare to say how far up the ladders of our society this privilege has been bestowed. Though I will note the temptation to brag, borders on overwhelming.
I say this not to boast of my social station, which I recognize is, in the grand scheme of things, quite low. But rather, to assure you of my capacity for discretion. This includes the use of encryption, which is well within my technical repertoire, and in that vein, feel free to send me cryptocurrency.
Whether you care to brag about this on Facebook, publish it in the New York Times, or take it to your grave, will be entirely up to you – or – better said, a matter for us to agree upon in advance.
This, of course, provided I do not receive a subpoena. This has happened a time or two. In such an event I may, according to my preference, choose to demonstrate my world renowned, but thus far unsuccessful, courtroom talents in resisting. Should it suit me, that is. I consider secrets a burden, and a privilege, not a right. So, you ought not abuse such things. Donald Trump once offered to pay my legal expenses, and this was not the least of his broken promises.
Of course I must obey the law, and this is no mere disclaimer. I am deadly serious about it. I will not go back to prison for your benefit, unless you are a very, very special person.
So, with the advertising out of the way, and terms disclosed as may suffice for an introduction, how do you go about obtaining this less than unique honor?
There are many ways of course, but one of the best is to pay me. Depending upon your means, motives, and character, it might be prudent that we speak before you do.
Fortunately, I make this near as easy as sending money.
Or, perhaps you require greater discretion than this? I do have ProtonMail (to which this form will ultimately end up), PGP, Telegram, Signal, WhatsApp, Wire Messenger, and more than a few less conventional methods of communication.
But if you are the sort of person that requires such things, I’m certain you’ve already considered the implications of introducing yourself via email first. Expect to pay handsomely if talking to you is a pain in the ass.
So, without further ado,
Alright, on with it.
(Text being what it is, I’ll request you to imagine a dramatic dial tone inserted here as my voice begins to fade with a bit of reverb so subtle you’re not sure if it’s there…)